What works for the body works for the mind?

This picture captures the actual feeling I had about
mindfully and consistently working toward my
physical therapy goals.

I’ve been receiving physical therapy for 4 weeks now and I'm getting ready to discharge.  I don’t think I ever anticipated needing physical therapy at 30 because it is for athletes and people who actually do physical things.

After a bad wind storm that hit my neighborhood hard, we lost the top 60 feet of a huge sycamore tree in my backyard- straight through the power lines and two sections of fence.  I kicked right into disaster response mode and got out to get to work.  The first day, I helped neighbors who were hit far worse than me clear big trees from their yards.  The next day, the powerline was put back in its proper place and I could get to work on my tree.

My wife will attest that I went about it in a foolish way, instead of waiting till an army of neighbors returned home from work, I got started cutting up the big tree and hauling it up a steep hill in our backyard to the curb by myself.  Long story short, I hurt my back badly.  I figured I’d been sore before and that this would go away within a week.  6 weeks later, the pain wasn’t getting better so I saw my doctor and ended up working with a very talented physical therapist.

I am a therapist who works with the mind, brain, spirit, relationships, etc. so seeing someone who I assumed worked only with the body was an interesting paradigm shift.  In our first assessment, my therapist outlined four stages we would be working through.  I thought “Ah, right, the road map… it’s good to know where I’m going so that when I feel like this is taking too long I can have some perspective and not get totally impatient." He then told me that A big part of this working is going to come from you changing how you think about your body and how you use it. If you can change what goes on in your mind, you can help your body. I wanted to shout Hallelujah! we believe the same thing, let's get started.

Then he told me we would accomplish this in about 6 sessions over roughly 3 weeks. After the first visit, I kept thinking about the timelines and his confidence in them. I thought how nice it would be if I could tell my clients we would be resolving their problems so quickly. Since becoming a therapist, I have really tried to be a good client. I try to do what my doctor asks me to do, I try to follow through and apply what I learn about human development and emotional health, and I really try to take all aspects of my health and wellbeing seriously. I am near discharge from physical therapy, pain free, and grateful for what taking care of my body has taught me about taking care of all other aspects of my life. This is some of what I have learned from physical therapy:

Going harder doesn't mean you will get there faster. If life isn't going 'as usual' you can't pretend that it is. Part of the reason it took me 6 weeks to see someone for my back pain is that I lived under the false belief that it would be better tomorrow. "I can put up with pain today, it won't last forever." When I did have a good day, I would go for a run or work in the yard and without fail I would pay for it.

So many of the emotional and relational problems we face are not helped by ignoring that they exist. When you come up against a barrier, it is important to understand exactly what the barrier is before you move into "knock it down" mode.

Practice and regular routines add up to results. Each time I go to the physical therapist, he gives me one or two new exercises to add to my routine that address where I am at in my recovery. We check in each visit on how frequently I have been utilizing the different exercises and how I am feeling. I have taken this homework seriously because I wanted relief. It was amazing at how quickly my pain subsided and how much stronger I am because I am doing some simple things each day to stay up on my health.

When it comes to mental health, there are several simple daily routines that make a big difference. A relatively few minutes of mindfulness meditation is shown to have impact on mood and change your brain. Exercise is wonderful for mood and for accelerating learning. Meaningful connection with others has the potential to release long-lasting and pleasurable levels of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. Writing on a regular basis increases creativity and can help the brain to more thoroughly process information.

It is so easy to stop doing what helps when you start to feel better. This is where the 'getting better' process breaks down for many people. I have recognized a point where I am feeling so much better I am actually having to set reminders on my phone so that I remember I'm still not better and that I need to keep working to maintain the gains I have made.

Essential to this process has been someone who knows a lot more than I do and can see a bigger picture (my physical therapist). An essential ingredient of emotional health is having someone(s) in your life who know more than you and have walked the road you are walking. That is how we get to know our blind spots, people who care enough to tell us when we 'have food on our face.'

Having a general roadmap helps to get the most out of where I am at now. The first exercise the physical therapist asked me to do did not feel good and it seemed like it would compound the injury, not help it. He let me know that he could tell a lot about what might be going on in my back by how I responded to the initial stretches he asked me to do. I have been thinking a lot about the 4 phase process he is taking me through 1) diagnose the pain 2) get in front of the pain 3) build a strong foundation 4) build strength that will protect against future injury.

When we have a general sense of where we are going and why we are going there, it can lead to more investment in the journey (i.e. me doing my PT homework). Emotionally, when I understand that I am still reeling from pain, I can put the breaks on rushing into the next emotionally intense situation, instead I can focus on regrouping and coping with my pain. When I understand that some fundamental things need to shift in how I think and process my environment, I can relax a bit away from rushing to get to the 'destination' I have in my head.

The brain the the body are connected, you never go somewhere with one where you don't bring the other along.

Tips for Engaging in the Change Process

Change is a tricky thing to undertake.  

First, the term “change” is ambiguous- what does it really mean to change?  Some would say true and lasting change comes when what is within us shifts; others would say that change is doing things differently than you did before.  Understanding the type and scope of the change you are engaging in is key to success.

Second, the internal kinds of change are intangible- in many instances, it is difficult to quantify the results of the change that an individual is pursuing.  Trying to measure what is intangible by what is observable may miss the importance and the meaning of what one is trying to change.  

Third, behavior and its attending attitudes and beliefs get hard wired- the human brain is designed to make shortcuts, or what we know as habits and patterns.  Think of how much more complicated life would be if you didn’t have the mental shortcuts or heuristics that help you to do complex and familiar things without having to start from scratch.  Often, the changes one wishes to undertake are changes to behaviors and attitudes that come naturally, even reflexively.  It further complicates things when one considers that the behavior one develops to survive difficult situations often becomes very maladaptive when the initial need for the behavior has passed.

Last, it is easy to get overwhelmed when you contemplate affecting something that you may not even have a good sense of- if you are looking at changing something that has been a long standing pattern, has to do with your internal feelings and beliefs, and that will be hard to measure, it is understandable that the task will look too daunting and unattainable.  Often, one rushes into a solution without really understanding the nature of the problem and gets frustrated when things stay the same.  So how do you undertake change when an issue goes so deeply you may not fully recognize it?  Below are six suggestions for getting started:

1. Practice Mindfulness- mindfulness means slowing down the everyday operations and experiences to allow the mind and the body to fully be a part of them.  When you are contemplating undertaking change, it is one thing to feel that you are running frantically from whatever it is you are wanting to change and it is another to feel calm and assured, deliberate in each step.  When we are running scared, we are likely to run into a new situation just as distressing or more so than the one we are trying to leave.  

Practicing mindfulness allows the body and the brain to slow down and get deliberate.  In mindfulness practice, one is awakening a part of themselves that can observe what is going on within and without.  This “inner observer” can greatly aid in understanding what is happening without getting swept away by events and triggers.  

Notice that the word “practice” is used instead of “be.”  The ability to think and feel differently doesn’t come from flipping a mental switch, it comes from practicing a new way to live each day.  To begin with, one may not have the attention span or the skill set to practice being mindful for more than five minutes at a time.  Start where you are at, as you are consistent, your ability to slow down your body and mind will grow, which will leave more room for additional thoughts, feelings and insights.

Googling “mindfulness practice” will yield 33 million results, most of which are probably very good suggestions for starting the practice.  To get started today, here are a couple of simple practices:

Notice your breath- take 3 minutes to just focus on your breath going in and out of your body.  Don’t try to slow it down, speed it up, or hold it- just notice how you are breathing right now.

Mindful eating- take a few extra seconds when you eat to smell your food, feel its texture, and notice its flavor.  Give each bite 3 extra chews so you can get present with your eating.

Look out a window- give yourself 5 minutes to look out of any window or to sit outside and notice what is going on around you.  What are the colors, shapes, textures, and movement you can see.  Let your attention pass from one aspect to another like clouds passing through the sky.

If you would like to further your mindfulness practice, you can order a deck of cards with 50 mindfulness exercies to give variety and structure to your exploration.  Your Daily Intensive™ Decks: The Grounding Deck can be found at www.jontaylorlcsw.com

2. Talk to other people who have done or are doing what you are attempting- there is no need to reinvent the wheel.  If there is a problem you are facing, there are likely many people who have faced something similar before you and they are likely talking about it.  Search for books, blogs, websites, and groups that explore the issue you are working on.

While information is key to change, so is feeling supported.  In a larger support community, you will find people who know what it is like to struggle over and over again with attempting change and not quite meeting your goals.  You will find people who have had some success, you can learn from them, you can start to trust something bigger than you.

I have found a mixture of approaches (books, blogs, websites, groups, individual people) beneficial.  Recently, I made the decision to try my hand at beekeeping.  I find books and websites give me a great place to start in making a plan for taking care of my bees, but nothing can replace the benefit of being able to talk face to face with someone who has direct experience doing what I want to do in the setting I want to do it in.  

When it comes to changing behavior and attitudes that started a defence during difficult times of life, it takes being in a community of people that understand the pain to let your walls down enough to start seeing change.  This is one of the reasons that 12 step communities can be so successful in assisting in the change process.  Sharing the story, experiences, strength, and hope face to face does as much to get the change ball rolling as any practical information can.

3. Keep a log- once you can observe yourself and connect with a community to support your change, you can start to get to know your particular circumstances better.  Study after study shows that human beings are bad at accurately estimating patterns, quantities, and results.  Our brains are highly influenced by our emotions and biases, we tend to see what we have already seen and what we are comfortable seeing.

Hard data goes a long way in helping one to see what actually needs to change.  Here again it is easy to get started in changing something before we really understand it.  When you start keeping a log, all you are doing is observing the behavior.  You are getting to know your patterns, tendencies, and the scope of the problem.  Start by getting a calendar- the old kind- on a sheet of paper so you can see large stretches of time.  Each day, take note of 5 factors

The thing you are wanting to change- make it simple and observable- is it defined in a way that you will notice it when it happens (ie, viewing pornography, eating when not hungry, not working at work, yelling at children, negative self-talk, etc.)

Your main emotion for the day- what is the emotional temperature of the day?  How you feel can have impact on what you do- this is a good way to find out the role that your emotions play.

How likely are you to do the behavior tomorrow (low, moderate, high)?- many times, unwanted behaviors and thoughts come in cycles, just because you didn’t do it today doesn’t mean you are not preparing to do it tomorrow.  Check in on how much distance you feel from the problematic behavior or thought pattern each day.

Did you practice mindfulness (yes or no)?  Take this as an opportunity to see how your mindfulness practice may be relating to what you are wanting to change.  When one is putting their energies and resources toward something difficult, one can’t afford to waste resources.

Did you connect with others who are engaged in change and know about your change (yes or no)?  This is an opportunity to observe the impact that meaningful, intentional social connection has on your thoughts and behaviors.

There may be a temptation when you are tracking this information in the hopes to undertake change to make assumptions and connections prematurely.  Give yourself a good 90 days of observations before you make conclusions about which emotions, behaviors, patterns, and interventions are significant.  Remember- if you fully knew the nature of the problem you were wishing to change, you probably wouldn’t be in a position where you feel overwhelmed and under resourced to make the changes.  Give yourself enough time to gather data and to really look for what the data are telling you, not rushing to the conclusion you are hoping for.

4. Accountability- at different levels and stages of change, this term means different things.  Often, when we think of change, we think of accountability as the mechanism for letting another know that we have failed which will eventually lead to us not talking to anyone about what we are wanting to accomplish.

If one is going to be successful in their process of change, one has to re-frame what accountability means.  In the beginning, accountability means that you share what is going on with you, how you are feeling, and what you are wanting honestly.  

Now, if those are the requirements for accountability, it may be that not just anyone will serve to be your accountability partner.  It may be that you don’t have access to an appropriate “other” in the beginning of your change journey.  Start by spending some time with yourself on a regular basis checking in on how things are going.  Write about it, call a trusted friend, if you are utilizing a support or therapy group, share with your group what is going on with you.  Believe it or not, this can help to reduce your shame which is often one of the biggest barriers to change.

5. Be aware that denial will rear its head- many people can stick with something positive and life impacting for a little while.  It is not uncommon for me to hear from my clients “Oh yeah, that did seem to help, but I quit doing it for some reason.”  If you are undertaking change on something that causes you pain, it is likely that the initial stages of change will bring some relief.  Once one is feeling better, one tends to stop working on the source of the pain.

Dr. Patrick Carnes and others use the Stockdale Paradox to illustrate the frame of mind needed to sustain long-term change.  Jim Stockdale was a navy pilot shot down over North Vietnam during that war.  He spent 7 ½ years in a torture camp outside of Hanoi.  When he was released from the camp, he was asked why he survived when so many others didn’t.  He said something to the effect of “I had to realize everyday how bad things had gotten or how bad they could get.  I also had to have a clear picture, everyday, of what things would look like when they got better.”

Another feature of the brain that uses shortcuts to keep life manageable is that we have to work to see the whole picture all at once.  Denial will keep us in an extreme, seeing only how bad it has gotten or how bad it could get, or living in the fantasy that we have arrived and things are fine now.

6. Try a cooling off period- this is usually where one tries to start the change process; going “cold turkey” can be risky and a way of bypassing the difficult issues related to the behavior or belief one is desiring to change.  After one has adequately established a knowledge base, the ability to self reflect and soothe, and is actively using a support system the chances for long-term success are much greater.

In a cooling off period that is about more than just quitting, one can start to see why they held on to the problematic behavior or belief in the first place.  This in essence helps to get closer to the root of the problem (ie “I noticed when I stopped looking at porn, I felt lonely most of the time.” or “When i would eat only when I was hungry, I noticed how restless and anxious I feel.”)  The cooling off period is another opportunity to get a fuller scope of the effects of what one is desiring to change.

On one hand, the process of change can make life uncertain, daunting, or demoralizing.  On the other hand, change is part of what makes being a human exciting, because we can have an impact on our environment and relationships.

The world through a filter-truths about why we see life the way we do.

Photography has been a passion of mine since I took my first photography class as a Junior in high school.  This was back in the day when digital photography was just becoming accessible so I was introduced to photography through 35mm film.  I had an ancient black and white camera Fuji camera that my parents secured at a pawn shop when I took the class.  We always shot on black and white film, it was the easiest to process.  One of the most confusing and interesting assignments I selected had to do with lens filters.  I am no physicist so be aware that my  interpretation of the science may not be close to spot on.

Visible light travels at different frequencies- that is where color comes from.  When you take a picture with a colored filter over your lens, it blocks certain colors while allowing others.  A green filter will let every wavelength of light through except the green ones.  The result on black and white film is that what should appear colored will appear to have no color.  Digging through my old stuff I found a couple of pictures from this assignment.  The one with the trees was shot with a green filter so the leaves and flora appear white.  The one of my friend was shot with a red filter, so his red polo appears white.

Having a filter on the lens dramatically influences what you see in the view finder and even more dramatically influences what comes out in the print.

When it comes to human experience, every interaction is experienced through a filter.  Without awareness of the filter we are seeing the world through, we tend to miss out on experiencing the things that we want to.  Each of our experiences gives us another filter we add to our bag.  The filter we are using is influenced by our mood; and on a happy day we are more likely to see what corresponds with that filter.  If my experience in close relationships teaches me that I will be hurt, criticized, neglected, misunderstood, brushed aside, or devalued, I am likely to see that in most of my close relationships.

It takes work to recognize the filter we are using to experience our lives.  As we collect experiences through our filters, we don't come equipped with an awareness that what we are seeing is distorted.  Perception is reality.  When we tell our stories and become aware of patterns of hurt, nurturing, safety, neglect, intimacy, health, and confusion we become better equipped to select the filter that we need.  If I am experiencing my world through the filter of rejection, it will be very difficult for me to see the acceptance or support that exists in my support systems.  Filtering our experience and perceptions is not meant to  create a pain free or a problem free world.  We have to experience our pain and problems if we are to keep our sanity.  Switching the filter assists in the process when it comes time to seek relief and healing from our pain.  What filter are you looking through today?

Deer Whispering and learning to connect

Since I started writing this blog, I am surprised at how many stories are coming to the surface.  I haven't thought of a lot of these stories in a long time.  At times it feels like I am connecting with old friends.  Some of the time, it feels like I am connecting with old enemies.  Both are welcome- there is only one switch that controls the meaning that is woven into my life.  It is either all on or all off.  I have been surprised at how clearly and quickly the lessons in these stories come to the surface.  The more we tell our stories, the more they instruct us.  They add meaning to life.  Telling my story has validated my experiences and feelings at the same time that it challenges beliefs I was not aware I was living by.  Thank you all for reading and passing these stories along.  I hope that at some point some of my readers will have stories of their own to tell, a good guest post is always welcome.

Sitting in a marital session recently, I was reminded of a camping trip to Great Basin National Park when I was about 14 years old.  My dad was my Scout Master at the time and took a three day weekend to take two van-loads of boys out into the desert to experience Lehman Caves.  We took this trip near the beginning of October, and I remember two things- it was a LONG drive and it was very cold.  

Like any respectable group of teens would do, we found plenty to keep us entertained and distracted from how miserable we could have been.  The first night in the campground, we discovered that the local population of deer was not to shy about approaching humans.  We observed them casually walking through our campground, and true to form, we made loud noises, threw food, and were generally a nuisance (don't worry you animal-lovers, I have changed my ways and realize that my participation in the following was NOT a good way to take care of woodland creatures).  Once we figured out that loud noises made the deer run away, we changed our approach.  We would talk quietly and move slowly.  We would pause as we approached one of the deer and give it time to get used to our proximity before moving closer.

Over the two days at the campground, we became masters at approaching the deer.  A few of us shared our baloney sandwiches and  Doritos with one or more of the deer.  We contemplated putting a leash around the neck of the deer, but our leaders wisely intervened and pointed out our lack of wisdom- a leash around the neck of the deer would certainly cause it to run- with one of us holding on for dear life.

I have never been a deer hunter, I don't have any desire to hunt.  From what I understand, the goal of the hunt is not to share a sandwich with the prey, it is to sneak up on and overpower the prey.  I often observe people taking this approach in their relationships.  They carefully manage their approach, attempt to downplay intentions or needs with one another in an effort to keep their partner from bolting.  When the desired proximity is achieved. . . BAM! Both parties unload on their relationship and then get disappointed when they find that their partner didn't feel safe and withdrew.  I learned from the deer in the Great Basin that I have to learn how an individual feels safe in being approached.  I have to pursue only in the in a way that feels safe for the person if I am desiring to share a moment.  This includes honesty about my intentions, willingness to pause my approach and observe, and increasing kindness and nurturing as I draw closer.  Even the intervention of the adults teaches a valuable lesson: Don't trap people in order to keep them close, that only makes them run- and when that person runs, you will get bumped and bruised because you will try to hold on.

Kiss it Better

Check it out- my first guest post on one of my favorite blogs:  Kiss it Better: Canffirmations

Gut feelings, compasses, and course corrections just in the nick of time

When I was a teenager, I worked summers at a Boy Scouts of America camp nestled right between Teton and Yellowstone National Parks.  I have always loved the outdoors, so the nine weeks I spent each summer living in pristine forests were heaven.  One of my favorite jobs at the camp was as a back country guide to groups of scouts and their leaders.  We had to be well versed in a lot of skills- group management and motivation, first aid, survival skills, and winging it.  We offered a unique hike that started in our camp and ended 5 miles away on a peak that offered a vantage of the Grand Teton Mountain Range and surrounding areas.  This was one of my favorite hikes.  In the early summer there was enough snow left on Survey Peak to slide on; later in the summer the meadow at the base of the mountain was full of wildflowers. The hike itself was mystical- we hiked through evergreen forests that appeared untouched- trees towering overhead, shafts of light shining through, and pristine mountain streams were to be found everywhere.  It remains one of my favorite hikes, except. . .

. . . it terrified me every time.  There is no trail that leads to Survey Peak from camp.  We got to the peak by taking a compass bearing and trying to stay true to that bearing while hiking through deep forest with no distinguishable landmarks to reference.  If you aren't careful, hiking by compass bearing can get you lost quickly without you realizing it.  When I guided hikes on trails, we would occasionally venture off trail to explore and getting back on course was easy- you just headed back in the direction you came till you found the trail again.  On the trip to Survey Peak, if you got lost, you likely wouldn't know you were lost till hours had passed and you hadn't reached the destination.  We were constantly scanning for landscape features that would indicate our position relative to the camp or the peak, but it was an inexact science to say the least.

On one trip to Survey, I was with a group of other experience staff members.  On our return trip, we got the feeling that we were off a bit in our bearing, but because of the thick canopy of trees we couldn't really verify the feeling by observing the surrounding landscape.  We started paying attention to every clue the landscape could offer- the slope and grade of the ground, clearings in the canopy we could use to get a view of the landscape- anything, but in the end, all we had was a gut feeling that we were significantly off course.  We had guessed that we had been drifting to the east as we traveled from the peak back to camp, but we couldn't be sure- without knowing if we had drifted or by how much we had drifted, we couldn't determine how to correct our course.

Going off the group-gut-feeling-consensus we determined that we would adjust our bearing to compensate for an eastward drift over an estimated distance of 3 miles.  If we were correct, after about 30 minutes of travel we would run into the valley the camp was in, or we would be horribly lost.  Fortune was on our side and we soon emerged on the far end of the valley from camp and were able to get back safely.  Without the course correction- we would have overshot the camp and gone approximately 4 extra miles before we hit the road that would have told us we were off course.

This story comes to mind when I am confronted with the realization that life has been off course, out of whack, unbalanced, chaotic, overwhelming, or otherwise less than ideal.  I frequently see people (myself included) come to this realization and determine: "That was a wasted trip- time to start over from the beginning so I can get it right this time."  If we had taken that logic on the hike, we would have been able to find where to start from again, but there would have been no guarantee of a different outcome.  It's easy to get hung up on the "right", "easiest", or "best" way to do things.  When I am focused on whether or not I am making the journey the "right" way, I tend to discount the value in the ground I have already covered.  A course correction- no matter where it happens in the journey- is a sign that I am paying attention, open to feedback, and in tune with my best self.

Surrender. . . to the River

In working with addicts of all kinds, the question frequently comes up: "What does it mean to 'surrender'?"  The concept of surrender is integral to 12 step programs and when understood and applied can be an extremely potent skill for riding out cravings, managing painful emotions, gaining perspective in relationships, and approaching healing.

When I was about 14, my family, immediate and extended, took a day trip down the Green River near Moab, Utah.  At this point in my life, a half day trip on a river was the coolest thing I had ever been invited to be a part of so naturally, I was going to be on the coolest, most adventurous boat in the group.  As I remember, my boat was filled with my teenage siblings and cousins and my newly-wed uncle and his wife- our guide was also young. . . and inexperienced- it was her first run on that stretch of river.

Near the end of the day, we approached the biggest rapid of our trip.  I don't know how rapids are rated, but I had the distinct impression this would be a pretty intense stretch- there may have even been some mention of people who had died on this rapid earlier in the season because they didn't listen to their guide.  I know now that whether or not that was true it was to serve as a warning- to a boat of young adventure seekers, it served as an invitation to be even more adventurous and wild than we had been.

As we neared the rapid, our guide reminded us again of how important it would be to follow her instructions- we even practiced digging, holding water, and turning in the final moments before we hit the turbulent water.  I noticed as we started into the rapid, we were not going where the other boats were going, instead of riding to one side of a particularly big swell, we went right over the top of it.  There must have been a sink hole on the other side of the crest in the river because I recall suddenly being pulled into the middle of the raft and almost as immediately being flung from the center out.  I had water in my face and was trying to stay on the pontoon. It was beginning to get scared as I saw most of my fellow passengers fly past me into the water.  I later found out that the guide had been thrown from the boat as well.  I don't remember a lot about what I was thinking in the moment, only that as I was struggling to stay in the boat I knew that it was going to be a losing battle- I was eventually going to end up in the water whether I liked it or not.  I tightened my grip on my oar, took a deep breath and leaned back letting myself fall into the river.

That night in the hotel, my siblings and I were re-telling the adventure of the day and when it got to the part about our boat losing all of its passengers, my sister asked, "Jonny, where did you go?  I looked back once and you were there, and when I looked back again, you were gone."  I told her about leaning back and falling into the water and was met with justified laughter all around.  "You mean you just SURRENDERED. . . TO THE RIVER?"

Yes, I surrendered in the truest sense of the word - surrender is not a defeated dive into uncertainty- it is a conscious choice.  In the 12 step tradition, surrender is recommended when triggers are overwhelming, emotions are high, and the future is uncertain.  Surrender does not mean that one gives into unhealthy coping, it is not an invitation to stop fighting for recovery, health, sanity, etc., but it does mean that one stops fighting to keep pain at bay- one surrenders control over the situation and trusts in themselves, their higher power, and their support system and decides to enter the chaos willingly rather than wait to be thrown into it unexpectedly.

Surrendering to the river had some distinct advantages for me.  First, I didn't become disoriented, I knew that for a second or two, my head would be under water but that it would surface again- so often when we fight what we can't control, we are forced to be immersed in it for longer periods of time and to greater intensity than we otherwise would have.  Second, I was able to remember what I had been taught about falling into the river and I did my part in staying safe.  When I surfaced, I didn't try to swim, I leaned back in my life preserver, pointed my feet down stream and watched for rocks.  When we enter into environmental chaos in a personally chaotic state- we are often unable to act according to what we know, instead we act impulsively, recklessly, and regretfully further complicating the impact of the situation.  As I have reflected on this experience and its application to the principle of surrender, I learn that willingly entering chaos that we cannot control allows us to remain authentic- entering chaos because we simply can't fight it anymore leads us to be reactionary and rash in decision making.

The trick to surrender is more than intellectually understanding the concept- comfort and competence with such a core healing skill only comes with practice.  As I have observed in countless individuals and myself- practicing surrender is terrifying.  Perhaps another lesson is taken from the river experience- embrace the journey, expect to get wet, and tell and re-tell the story of the adventure.