Surrender. . . to the River

In working with addicts of all kinds, the question frequently comes up: "What does it mean to 'surrender'?"  The concept of surrender is integral to 12 step programs and when understood and applied can be an extremely potent skill for riding out cravings, managing painful emotions, gaining perspective in relationships, and approaching healing.

When I was about 14, my family, immediate and extended, took a day trip down the Green River near Moab, Utah.  At this point in my life, a half day trip on a river was the coolest thing I had ever been invited to be a part of so naturally, I was going to be on the coolest, most adventurous boat in the group.  As I remember, my boat was filled with my teenage siblings and cousins and my newly-wed uncle and his wife- our guide was also young. . . and inexperienced- it was her first run on that stretch of river.

Near the end of the day, we approached the biggest rapid of our trip.  I don't know how rapids are rated, but I had the distinct impression this would be a pretty intense stretch- there may have even been some mention of people who had died on this rapid earlier in the season because they didn't listen to their guide.  I know now that whether or not that was true it was to serve as a warning- to a boat of young adventure seekers, it served as an invitation to be even more adventurous and wild than we had been.

As we neared the rapid, our guide reminded us again of how important it would be to follow her instructions- we even practiced digging, holding water, and turning in the final moments before we hit the turbulent water.  I noticed as we started into the rapid, we were not going where the other boats were going, instead of riding to one side of a particularly big swell, we went right over the top of it.  There must have been a sink hole on the other side of the crest in the river because I recall suddenly being pulled into the middle of the raft and almost as immediately being flung from the center out.  I had water in my face and was trying to stay on the pontoon. It was beginning to get scared as I saw most of my fellow passengers fly past me into the water.  I later found out that the guide had been thrown from the boat as well.  I don't remember a lot about what I was thinking in the moment, only that as I was struggling to stay in the boat I knew that it was going to be a losing battle- I was eventually going to end up in the water whether I liked it or not.  I tightened my grip on my oar, took a deep breath and leaned back letting myself fall into the river.

That night in the hotel, my siblings and I were re-telling the adventure of the day and when it got to the part about our boat losing all of its passengers, my sister asked, "Jonny, where did you go?  I looked back once and you were there, and when I looked back again, you were gone."  I told her about leaning back and falling into the water and was met with justified laughter all around.  "You mean you just SURRENDERED. . . TO THE RIVER?"

Yes, I surrendered in the truest sense of the word - surrender is not a defeated dive into uncertainty- it is a conscious choice.  In the 12 step tradition, surrender is recommended when triggers are overwhelming, emotions are high, and the future is uncertain.  Surrender does not mean that one gives into unhealthy coping, it is not an invitation to stop fighting for recovery, health, sanity, etc., but it does mean that one stops fighting to keep pain at bay- one surrenders control over the situation and trusts in themselves, their higher power, and their support system and decides to enter the chaos willingly rather than wait to be thrown into it unexpectedly.

Surrendering to the river had some distinct advantages for me.  First, I didn't become disoriented, I knew that for a second or two, my head would be under water but that it would surface again- so often when we fight what we can't control, we are forced to be immersed in it for longer periods of time and to greater intensity than we otherwise would have.  Second, I was able to remember what I had been taught about falling into the river and I did my part in staying safe.  When I surfaced, I didn't try to swim, I leaned back in my life preserver, pointed my feet down stream and watched for rocks.  When we enter into environmental chaos in a personally chaotic state- we are often unable to act according to what we know, instead we act impulsively, recklessly, and regretfully further complicating the impact of the situation.  As I have reflected on this experience and its application to the principle of surrender, I learn that willingly entering chaos that we cannot control allows us to remain authentic- entering chaos because we simply can't fight it anymore leads us to be reactionary and rash in decision making.

The trick to surrender is more than intellectually understanding the concept- comfort and competence with such a core healing skill only comes with practice.  As I have observed in countless individuals and myself- practicing surrender is terrifying.  Perhaps another lesson is taken from the river experience- embrace the journey, expect to get wet, and tell and re-tell the story of the adventure.